Man Vs. Vibrator

Having sex is a very important part of a relationship. I’ve been with guys who are totally against sex toys and others who are all about it. It really just depends.

One ex of mine really hated the fact that I was even considering buying a vibrator. His argument was that if I used it, it would eventually ruin our sex life and he would never be able to perform better than a piece of plastic. Unfortunately for him, he was right about not being better than plastic. His statement also got me thinking, do women like vibrators more than we let on?

So I asked 25 women one (not so) simple question:

Which one performs better in bed? A man or a vibrator? And why?

Those For Man

Good job guys, some women prefer men over sex toys. I did notice from the women who chose men, a lot of them were in serious relationships.

These are just some of the things they had to say: 

“I choose a man for the intimacy for sure, plus I really don’t masturbate.”

“Intimacy over plastic.”

“I’ve never had an amazing thing, but I’ve had an amazing man.”

“I like the physical touch and the element of surprise. Vibrators kinda get old. It’s the same thing.”

“Well, honestly I’ve never owned a dildo or anything. I’m a romantic and I like the interaction.”

“Using a vibrator is like the same thing over and over and it gets a bit boring.”

“Man for sure! It’s too much work doing it all on your own.”

Those For Vibrator

Don’t get me wrong guys, you probably do a fine job in bed, but sometimes good just doesn’t cut it (and by good I mean mediocre at best). For the ladies who went with the vibrator, it was a toss-up as to whether they were single or in somewhat of a not so serious relationship. Either way, it’s important to note that this is where I placed my vote (for the time being).

Here’s why some women prefer vibrators:

“So it depends on the end goal. Bonding and experiencing a connection with someone is more important to me than getting off, but if we are talking about getting off…vibrator every time.”

“Vibrators do it better! They aren’t as much of a pain in the ass either.”

“So much more efficient!”

“It gets the job done better and can do things most men can’t do.”

“Sure, sex with a man is great, but I don’t always want to sleep with someone new every time I want to get off.”

The Other Responses

Now I get it, it’s hard to choose between the two, which is why I created this category for the people that couldn’t really make up their minds, or for the ones that didn’t have a strong opinion about the issue.

“Throwing in a curveball: Nothing does the trick better than my two hands, find me a man or a vibrator that can make me cum more than once and I’ll never complain again.”

“I’ve never used a vibrator or any kind of sex toy, so I guess I really don’t have an opinion as of right now.”

“I’ve never been huge on vibrators, I usually do a better job myself.”

“I don’t own a vibrator, but I mean man rarely works either.”

The Final Vote

Man: 14

Vibrator: 7

Other: 4

My Conclusion

Sure, sure, the male population wins this time. To the guys who think they are and always will be superior to sex toys, calm down. Just because more women preferred a man over a vibrator doesn’t mean you can get lazy in bed and not put forth the effort. The same goes for women as well! No one wants to have sex with a moaning starfish or some guy who makes really awkward faces.

The end…now go have some mind-blowing sex or something.

Weirdest SH*T Guys Have Said To Me

Whether you meet someone online or in person, people tend to say some really weird things when they think love or sex is on the line. I’m just as guilty as the next person when it comes to saying inappropriate things in awkward situations. After countless dates and relationships, some of these lines that were said to me may just be the weirdest things I’ve heard a guy ever tell a woman.

Before The First Date

“You look just like my ex-girlfriend. She died not too long ago, but regardless I am very attracted to you.”

(No, absolutely not. This is never going to work.)

“Could you send me a photo of your waist? I want to know if you’re thick or not.”

(Literally bye. My pictures on Tinder are pretty accurate to what I look like in real life.)

“Are you looking for a sugar daddy? Because if you are, I could probably be that for you.”

(Seriously dude, you’re 26. How much money could you possibly have? And no.)

On The First Date

“I’m about to make you my bitch in the bedroom.”

(Asks for the check immediately.)

“The more I talk to you, the more I’m wondering why you don’t have a ring on your finger.”

(I don’t know what to say except awkwardly laugh and cringe during the rest of this date.)

“My cat really is one of my best friends.”

(And this will be the end of our date now.)

“Those tights you are wearing really turn me on.”

(I honestly don’t know what to say.)

In Bedroom

“Eating a girl out on her period is just like eating spaghetti. I don’t mind it.”

(This is still the grossest f**king thing I have ever heard. And to think, I actually  dated this guy for an extended period of time.)

“But honestly, how big am I in comparison to the other guys you’ve slept with? Like on a scale from 1-10 how big?”

(Dude why do you care? And honestly, you’re a pretty good size but I’m not going to tell you that because that will boost your already huge ego.)

“I’m so ready for this BBF right now.”

(Who the hell says BBF? And what does it mean? I later found out that BBF stands for blow bang fest and it was probably a term he created.)

“I have this weird thing where I need to kiss your feet to get off. Is that okay?”

(Yeah…that totally became okay.)

*As he dances naked in the bathroom*

“It’s so big….isn’t it?”

(Honestly no, but I just want to have sex…so sure.)

“You know, it has been so long since I had sex with a condom, I really don’t remember how to put one on. How about we just not use one tonight?”

(You seriously must think I am an idiot. I don’t know you like that, and we are totally not having sex if you don’t use a condom. The end.)

“Look at me and call me daddy!”

(Excuse me while I burst out laughing.)

What are some of the weird things guys have said to you lately?

He Forgot Valentine’s Day

Saying “You Blew It” just wouldn’t be enough. I might be a pretty chill person, but I lost all my chill after receiving nothing for Valentine’s Day.

Is February 14th the date of a stupid holiday?

Yes.

Do I normally care about getting gifts?

No.

But this time was different.

Recap of Previous Valentine’s Days:

I have been single for almost all of the Valentine’s Days I have lived through. Only 3 times have I been in relationships during this stupid holiday. And lucky for me, all 3 Valentine’s Days have been utter disasters.

#1

He broke up with me via voicemail on February 14th, after I spent the entire day with his sorry ass. As soon as I went home for the evening, he left a wonderful voicemail saying he didn’t feel a big enough connection and that the timing of the relationship didn’t seem right. Ironically enough, he picked the worst possible time to end a relationship. RIP.

#2

This one had promise because the two of us had romantic dinner plans. Instead of enjoying a wonderful dinner, we fought the entire time. The argument from that evening was so bad, it made me reconsider my relationship with this person. We broke up shortly after.

In some respect I blame myself for putting so much importance on a stupid day. Part of me believes I should have told my significant other how terrible my previous Valentine’s Days have been, but then again maybe he shouldn’t have been such an idiot.

I’m not going to apologize for how I feel, no matter how materialistic I may sound.

#3 (Most Recent Experience)

I knew this relationship was going to blow up in my face. From the beginning, he showed all the signs of being a man-child. I mean come on, he cuddles his dog way harder than he ever tried to cuddle me. It also didn’t help that I put myself in another stupid long-distance relationship.

Prior to Valentine’s Day, I felt the need to give him a card. I knew he was going to be out of town in February and I wanted him to feel special when the day arrived. Sure, it was just a silly card but it was really the only thing I could give him while he was away.

I thought that if I had already given him a gift, he wouldn’t forget to surprise me with something…or at least find some way to show me he cared.

Thinking back, I’m pretty sure I had a better chance of winning the lottery. Relying on him to think of anyone other than himself is asking a lot.

Valentine’s Day was torture. The entire day was spent with loved ones calling and asking why I hadn’t received a bouquet of flowers or a nice assortment of chocolates. At first, I joked that he probably forgot. Until I realized the relationship was pretty much a joke…because he forgot Valentine’s Day.

He didn’t just forget to buy me anything, he forgot to call, text or give a damn about me.

As my friends were communicating with me via telephone, I barely heard anything from this man-child. I knew his work was probably getting in the way, but how long could it take to send a text? 5 maybe 10 seconds max?

In a relationship, I’m a pretty simple girl. Show me you care and I’ll jump through hoops to make sure you’re happy. Maybe that’s my problem, I care way too much.

What I really wanted for Valentine’s Day was his time.

Big deal. I didn’t get a gift. The fact that I was never told “I miss you” or “I wish I could spend today with you,” hurt ten times more.

It wasn’t until I urged we talk on the phone that he decided to care about me. Even when we talked, I complained about not feeling special or valued and there was really nothing he could say.

Sometimes “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it.

I need more than empty promises from a significant other. If I treat my man like a king, I expect to be treated like a queen. Crazy thought, but maybe I need someone who will take an entire 5 minutes to go online and purchase a stupid gift.

What’s the best part about not receiving a Valentine’s gift and crying my eyes out?

Realizing just how amazing my friends can be.

After telling my best friend what happened, she decided to be the man in our relationship and deliver Edible Arrangements to my job. It just goes to show that your friends will always have your back, even when they think the person you are dating is a complete pile of garbage.

Chocolates

I’m not sure why he couldn’t take the time to do something nice. Then again, I can’t expect him to spend 5 minutes buying gifts when he can’t last 5 minutes doing other things.

Jokes on him right?

I can now sympathize with the other girls from his past. They always wanted more out of the relationship and now so did I (in more ways than one).

Card

Looks like I’ll be buying my own flowers and chocolates from now on. I think I actually prefer less heartache and a little bit more heartburn.

What To Do On Valentine’s Day If You’re Single

Valentine’s Day is a week away, and for some, that means stress eating chocolate and loads of self-loathing. Stop right there!

Not that chocolate isn’t delicious, but it will be a lot cheaper and you will indulge in less of it if you just sit back and wait until February 15th. When it comes to all of that self-loathing, take a step back and think about why you are so unhappy on this Hallmark holiday.

Do you wish you were in a meaningful relationship?

Are you hoping to be surrounded by love?

Chances are, you already have both and just haven’t been paying attention. Sure, it might suck to be single when what you really want is a relationship. Everything in life happens for a reason and when the time is right, everything else will fall into place. 

Instead of hating the entire 24 hours that is Valentine’s Day, celebrate it by doing a few of these things.

Spend Time With Friends

Call up your homies right now!

I know it sounds silly, but spending time with friends who are also single make the day a lot more fun. Plan a big Galentine’s Day party filled with dinner and drinks or have it a little more lowkey with yoga pants, a bottle of wine and a couple of good movies that make you laugh (don’t watch the sad sappy love movies, they will make you hate yourself even more).

Give A Gift To Someone You Love

Giving is always better than receiving (well…not always, but you get the point).

Even taking the time to buy a couple dozen flowers for friends or making some homemade cards can lighten the mood of not having a plus one. Also, you won’t have to worry about getting the perfect gift because they’re your friends and they love you regardless.

Treat Yourself

If you have some extra time between now and Valentine’s Day, do you!

Go get a pedicure, go buy those shoes you’ve been staring at online or just buy something to remind yourself that you’re worth it.

Pleasure Yourself

Yes, you read that correctly.

There’s nothing wrong with owning a couple of items that make you feel good sexually. Consider adding some toys to your nightstand immediately. Whether it’s a new vibrator, dildo, handcuffs, or whatever, chances are your supply cabinet is probably old (and crusty) and you are overdue for an upgrade.

If you aren’t planning to buy any sex toys in the future, find other ways to release that “being single” stress.

Focus On The Wonderful Things You Do Have

So you aren’t in a relationship, big freaking deal.

More than likely you have a roof over your head, clothes that you like wearing, a career that inspires you, and the love and support from family and friends. Stay positive on Valentine’s Day. Keep focusing on the parts of your life that make you the happiest and remember that the best is yet to come.

You might not have someone this year, but that’s okay! Love yourself first and that loving relationship will follow. 

I Tried Dating A Southern Gentleman

I was quick to notice that every seemingly available guy here in Nashville, either really likes to hunt and fish or is a struggling musician trying to make it big. I told myself I would never date another musician again, so that’s out of the question. I also hate hunting and fishing, so basically best of luck to me finding anyone here (yay).

After getting sick and tired of swiping without a purpose, I figured it was time to pick a guy on the internet who I thought was attractive.

Picking someone was the easy part. The hard part would be not flaking on him a couple hours before the date and trying to form some kind of connection with him when we did meet in the person.

It was late on a Sunday night and we both had work in the morning, so he insisted we meet for ice cream instead of drinks because he thought drinking alcohol would lead to “bad things” after our date. 

This statement should have been my first clue to cancel (who doesn’t like sex on a Sunday?), but because I’m dumb and like wasting my own time, I continued to get in my car and drive to the stupid ice cream shop.

I was starting to feel like I was in high school all over again, but I decided to keep my mouth shut and let fate run its course.

Meeting Him

This guy looked just as attractive in person as he did online. 

Within 10 seconds of giving him a hi and hello, he blurted out that this was his first ever Tinder date and that he was super nervous (poor guy, he really had no idea who he was messing with). I tried not to roll my eyes right away, but I could also tell that he was one of those hot guys who everyone thinks is hot, yet he has no idea how attractive he really is.

There was definitely still potential, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was in a really cheesy and really bad romantic comedy from the 90s.

Our Conversation

I kept hoping it would get closer and closer to his bedtime.

I’ll be honest, and for the people who read my blog posts regularly you probably already know, I curse a lot. I like to think of curse words as sentence enhancers, but for super religious and super southern gentlemen who like to take girls out on ice cream dates, four letter words starting with f and ending in k are strictly off-limits (so f*** me…no really).

Once he started talking about his 6-month mission trip to Costa Rica and how he helped build a community with his church, I could just tell that he was wayyyyy too good of a person for me and this was never going to work out.

(I like to date people who play with my heart and screw me over in the end.) 

Not that I wouldn’t like to go to Costa Rica and help people, but deciding to live a life without alcohol, cursing and (probably) waiting to have sex until marriage, was just not going to be something I wanted to have any part in.

But Wait, There’s More

Silly me brought up the fact that I’m trying to cut out all meat from my diet this year, and the conversation that followed really pissed me off.

I get it, people eat meat. I never once told him that he should stop eating meat or that eating meat was bad for his health, or whatever, but the second he heard that I am choosing to not eat meat because of environmental and health reasons, he immediately started to judge the shit out of me and I wanted to punch him in the face.

Him: “So is being vegetarian like really a real thing? I thought it was just a fad that people in California do sometimes.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Was that a real question you just asked me?”

Him: “But…don’t you miss bacon all of the time?”

Me: “No, not at all. I haven’t had it in over 5 years. It doesn’t bother me.”

Him: “So if you’re doing it for health reasons, how are you getting your protein? From protein powder or protein shakes? That doesn’t seem healthy at all.”

Me: (raises voice) “Fun fact: Fruits and vegetables have loads of protein in them and are a lot healthier than eating a greasy piece of bacon!!”

Also Me: Bye forever, see you never.

The Conclusion

I am already over dating people.

Yeah, being a super religious and extremely conservative person isn’t the worst thing in the world, but honestly, I don’t see myself marrying a Republican who thought not eating meat was a fad.

Saving a horse and riding a cowboy might sound great in a country song, but I would much rather take the horse and ride that thing into the sunset alone.