Weirdest SH*T Guys Have Said To Me

Whether you meet someone online or in person, people tend to say some really weird things when they think love or sex is on the line. I’m just as guilty as the next person when it comes to saying inappropriate things in awkward situations. After countless dates and relationships, some of these lines that were said to me may just be the weirdest things I’ve heard a guy ever tell a woman.

Before The First Date

“You look just like my ex-girlfriend. She died not too long ago, but regardless I am very attracted to you.”

(No, absolutely not. This is never going to work.)

“Could you send me a photo of your waist? I want to know if you’re thick or not.”

(Literally bye. My pictures on Tinder are pretty accurate to what I look like in real life.)

“Are you looking for a sugar daddy? Because if you are, I could probably be that for you.”

(Seriously dude, you’re 26. How much money could you possibly have? And no.)

On The First Date

“I’m about to make you my bitch in the bedroom.”

(Asks for the check immediately.)

“The more I talk to you, the more I’m wondering why you don’t have a ring on your finger.”

(I don’t know what to say except awkwardly laugh and cringe during the rest of this date.)

“My cat really is one of my best friends.”

(And this will be the end of our date now.)

“Those tights you are wearing really turn me on.”

(I honestly don’t know what to say.)

In Bedroom

“Eating a girl out on her period is just like eating spaghetti. I don’t mind it.”

(This is still the grossest f**king thing I have ever heard. And to think, I actually  dated this guy for an extended period of time.)

“But honestly, how big am I in comparison to the other guys you’ve slept with? Like on a scale from 1-10 how big?”

(Dude why do you care? And honestly, you’re a pretty good size but I’m not going to tell you that because that will boost your already huge ego.)

“I’m so ready for this BBF right now.”

(Who the hell says BBF? And what does it mean? I later found out that BBF stands for blow bang fest and it was probably a term he created.)

“I have this weird thing where I need to kiss your feet to get off. Is that okay?”

(Yeah…that totally became okay.)

*As he dances naked in the bathroom*

“It’s so big….isn’t it?”

(Honestly no, but I just want to have sex…so sure.)

“You know, it has been so long since I had sex with a condom, I really don’t remember how to put one on. How about we just not use one tonight?”

(You seriously must think I am an idiot. I don’t know you like that, and we are totally not having sex if you don’t use a condom. The end.)

“Look at me and call me daddy!”

(Excuse me while I burst out laughing.)

What are some of the weird things guys have said to you lately?

I Tried Dating A Southern Gentleman

I was quick to notice that every seemingly available guy here in Nashville, either really likes to hunt and fish or is a struggling musician trying to make it big. I told myself I would never date another musician again, so that’s out of the question. I also hate hunting and fishing, so basically best of luck to me finding anyone here (yay).

After getting sick and tired of swiping without a purpose, I figured it was time to pick a guy on the internet who I thought was attractive.

Picking someone was the easy part. The hard part would be not flaking on him a couple hours before the date and trying to form some kind of connection with him when we did meet in the person.

It was late on a Sunday night and we both had work in the morning, so he insisted we meet for ice cream instead of drinks because he thought drinking alcohol would lead to “bad things” after our date. 

This statement should have been my first clue to cancel (who doesn’t like sex on a Sunday?), but because I’m dumb and like wasting my own time, I continued to get in my car and drive to the stupid ice cream shop.

I was starting to feel like I was in high school all over again, but I decided to keep my mouth shut and let fate run its course.

Meeting Him

This guy looked just as attractive in person as he did online. 

Within 10 seconds of giving him a hi and hello, he blurted out that this was his first ever Tinder date and that he was super nervous (poor guy, he really had no idea who he was messing with). I tried not to roll my eyes right away, but I could also tell that he was one of those hot guys who everyone thinks is hot, yet he has no idea how attractive he really is.

There was definitely still potential, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was in a really cheesy and really bad romantic comedy from the 90s.

Our Conversation

I kept hoping it would get closer and closer to his bedtime.

I’ll be honest, and for the people who read my blog posts regularly you probably already know, I curse a lot. I like to think of curse words as sentence enhancers, but for super religious and super southern gentlemen who like to take girls out on ice cream dates, four letter words starting with f and ending in k are strictly off-limits (so f*** me…no really).

Once he started talking about his 6-month mission trip to Costa Rica and how he helped build a community with his church, I could just tell that he was wayyyyy too good of a person for me and this was never going to work out.

(I like to date people who play with my heart and screw me over in the end.) 

Not that I wouldn’t like to go to Costa Rica and help people, but deciding to live a life without alcohol, cursing and (probably) waiting to have sex until marriage, was just not going to be something I wanted to have any part in.

But Wait, There’s More

Silly me brought up the fact that I’m trying to cut out all meat from my diet this year, and the conversation that followed really pissed me off.

I get it, people eat meat. I never once told him that he should stop eating meat or that eating meat was bad for his health, or whatever, but the second he heard that I am choosing to not eat meat because of environmental and health reasons, he immediately started to judge the shit out of me and I wanted to punch him in the face.

Him: “So is being vegetarian like really a real thing? I thought it was just a fad that people in California do sometimes.”

Me: “Uh, yes. Was that a real question you just asked me?”

Him: “But…don’t you miss bacon all of the time?”

Me: “No, not at all. I haven’t had it in over 5 years. It doesn’t bother me.”

Him: “So if you’re doing it for health reasons, how are you getting your protein? From protein powder or protein shakes? That doesn’t seem healthy at all.”

Me: (raises voice) “Fun fact: Fruits and vegetables have loads of protein in them and are a lot healthier than eating a greasy piece of bacon!!”

Also Me: Bye forever, see you never.

The Conclusion

I am already over dating people.

Yeah, being a super religious and extremely conservative person isn’t the worst thing in the world, but honestly, I don’t see myself marrying a Republican who thought not eating meat was a fad.

Saving a horse and riding a cowboy might sound great in a country song, but I would much rather take the horse and ride that thing into the sunset alone.

What Really Happens If You Fool Around With Your Best Guy Friend

Lord knows I never wanted to write this post, but here I am again putting myself out there. It can definitely be tricky navigating a friendship once you’ve gotten physical with that person. As two grown adults, I think we’ve been great at maintaining our friendship and being open about what we want when things do get intimate.

This kind of “friends with benefits” or “no strings attached” thing definitely isn’t for everyone. And trust me, I literally never thought I would be in this situation myself.

If you’re thinking about hooking up with your best friend of the opposite sex or wanting to jump out of that friend zone completely, there are a couple of things you should know. 

This is how my “friends with benefits” scenario started and how my best guy friend and I still maintain it to this day.

The Back Story…

I met this guy back in Spanish class in college and we instantly hit it off as friends. Back then, we would hang out just the two of us every week and either go to the gym, cook dinner or just hang out around town doing the stupid shit that friends do.

I was in a serious relationship at the time, so the thought of being attracted to him never crossed my mind and he never showed any interest in me, so life was good.

It wasn’t until my breakup that he and I started getting a little flirty, but it still wasn’t enough for me to get that friend vibe out of my head.

The night he picked me up drunk from a party, after being stranded by a friend, things started to change. I was intoxicated beyond belief and started saying things that I would soon regret the following morning. As I went to pass out on his couch, he offered me his bed to sleep in, with the catch being that he would be sleeping in it as well.

For sure I thought we would cross the line that night, and in that moment, I totally wanted to get physical. Unfortunately for my ego and sex drive, he shut me down so fast that I decided to never talk about that night again. The friend zone was where he had put me and it was probably best for me to stay there for a long, long time.

Fast Forward…

We lost touch a little bit after graduation, but once we got over that initial hump, our friendship went right back to where it once was. We continued to talk about life, relationships, and most importantly, sex. Since we already knew each other so well, sex was just another topic we joked about, and our talks also sort of helped us maneuver through our failing relationships at the time.

Everything was still so much on the friend side of things, that it never really got awkward. And if it did, one of us was quick to call the other one out for it.

And Then…

It had been about a year since we last had the chance to hang out in person. 

Naturally, we wanted to see each other since it had been so long. He lived in a city that I had never been to before, so it gave me another reason to get out of town for the weekend.

After going out to dinner and having a blast catching up and goofing around, it came time to decide if I was going to sleep on the couch or if he was going to let me sleep in the same bed as him again. It was almost 4 years since I had made those drunk passes at him, and I was hoping that he had either forgotten about that night or just wasn’t going to bring it up, but of course, we both brought up that night in conversation as we started getting ready for bed. 

There we were, in bed together talking about that time we could have had sex 4 years ago. We started laughing about it and then, well…ya know.

We Communicated

I’m not going to lie, I was extremely nervous. Here I was with this person that I love dearly as a friend, and now this situation is happening so fast, that I can’t even process what is going on.

I was worried we wouldn’t talk again after our encounter and I was worried that he would think less of me as a person for what we both decided to do. Communication was key in this situation. And thankfully, we both majored in communications and were able to put those degrees to work. 

Both of us were able (and comfortable enough) to tell the other person exactly what we were thinking and what we wanted. In doing so, we had a wonderful time and maintained our friendship.

We talked it out (before, during and after) and decided that adding a physical element to our relationship would be okay (which is what I worried about the most).

We’ll See What Happens

We’re still friends and nothing has changed, other than the obvious. Hopefully, we’ll have a chance to hang out again as friends (or whatever you want to call us) sooner rather than later.

Dating From A Male Perspective

It’s not every day someone with the title “Perhaps the Funniest Man in Orlando” offers to give you some dating advice. Since pretty much everything on my blog is from a woman’s perspective, I thought it would be fun to ask Adam Avitable ten questions about his dating life.

1. What is the ultimate “profile dealbreaker” you see when it comes to online dating?

When I was married, I wrote a post about what I thought my dealbreakers would be, from bad grammar to no college degree to tattoos. Not only was that way too shortsighted, it was ignorant too. Shortly after getting divorced, I did an updated post but reading it now, man, was I still in the wrong headspace.
Since then, I’ve realized that if I have chemistry with someone, it doesn’t matter if she makes spelling errors or has a unicorn tattooed on her upper thigh. Coupled with the fact that most of the dating sites and apps out there make it easy to decide on someone without even reading her profile, I would say right now that I don’t have any profile dealbreakers at all.

2. What photos of girls are you most likely going to swipe right on? Swipe left?

Well.
Hmm.
In a perfect world, I look at eyes and smiles. I fall in love with eyes all the time. Then I’ll look through the photos to see if she has the physical characteristics I’m interested in (I tend to go for the petite type).
It’s not a perfect world, though. So actually I just swipe right on everyone and then see who I match with. Because I’m a shit human.

3. Have you ever been catfished? If so, what happened after realizing it? 

The only level to which I’ve been catfished is matching with someone online and quickly realizing she was a bot. Otherwise, generally speaking, once I start speaking with someone, my internet stalker skills are unfortunately honed enough that I can do a little basic research and make sure someone is who she says she is.

4. Tell me more about the worst online date you’ve been on recently…or just in general.

90% of the time I use online dating like digital people watching, and rarely does a conversation go far enough to result in an actual date.
When it does, though, I find that I can usually tell in the first thirty seconds of meeting someone if she is someone I want to invest any more effort with, so I’ve developed tricks to help with that decision. For example, sometimes I invite someone I’ve matched without to an open mic or show as a type of screener date, so I can meet her briefly while still maintaining some distance if necessary. As a result, I’ve dodged several bullets-who-don’t-know-how-to-take-accurate-selfies and have not had any bad online dates in years, but I wrote a post about the worst.

5. Do you think online dating has changed the way you approach women in real life or when out at a bar?

No. I got divorced in 2010, and online dating was already a thing, so I learned about online dating and approaching women in real life simultaneously. As a general rule, I don’t message first and I don’t approach someone first, so I try to be the same online and off.

6. What advice would you give to women who are thinking about downloading a dating app?

Don’t do it. But if you’re going to do it, prepare for an onslaught of phallic photography from men who are only on a dating app to, at best, get laid, and at worst, act out some pathetic anonymous exhibitionistic fantasy.
If that hasn’t scared you away, use a variety of pictures that show your best side, but don’t hide who you are. The worst thing that can happen is to surprise someone on a date by not being the person you appear to be online. Be honest and be yourself in your profile, and don’t waste your time with someone who gives you a bad gut feeling.

7. What’s your stance on who pays during a first date?

Whoever wants to. The best dates have multiple stops – go out for a few drinks, then move on somewhere else, and maybe end up at a dinner or event. I’m happy to pay for the entire date, but I’m happy to switch it up, too. And there have been times when an online match turns into a date conversation, and when I’ve told her honestly that I wouldn’t have the money to go out for a week or so, she’ll offer to pay. Who I am as a man and a person has no bearing on who pays for a date.

8. What’s the weirdest thing a girl has said to you on a date?

Other than what my date said in the post I linked to for question 4, I can’t think of anything too weird, oddly enough! But I’m eccentric and nerdy and twisted, so there’s very little that makes me raise an eyebrow. I’ve had many sexually aggressive things that girls have said on a date, though that usually just makes for a better date.

9. If you slept with someone on a first date and had a connection, would continue pursuing her?

This is an odd question. I don’t usually sleep with someone unless I have some type of connection with them in the first place. But, if I had sex with someone on a first date and we had a connection, I can’t think of a reason I wouldn’t continue pursuing her. I also don’t think sex should have a stigma associated with it either, so my respect for a woman is in no way affected by our sexual activity.

10. Is there anything you think all women should know? 

Yes, a few things:
First, a good man is open and honest. He won’t belittle or gaslight you. He won’t hide your presence on social media or mask jealousy and insecurity under the guise of being protective. He won’t keep you from seeing your friends or family because he likes seeing you happy. He knows what foreplay is, he understands that your sexual needs are equal to his, and he likes to cuddle because the top of your head smells nice.
Second, don’t ever settle. It’s always better to be alone and healthy as an individual than it is to be with someone who reduces you as a human being.
You are not a half looking for your other half – that is one of the unhealthiest and most co-dependent attitudes that people have in life. You are a whole person who should be looking for someone else who’s also whole.
And finally, my number is 818-398-2079. Text me.

What To Know About Guys With A Foot Fetish

I never thought I would be talking about this, but when you’ve dated three guys (yes, you read that correctly, three guys) who have all had some kind of foot fetish, I feel like it’s time for me to lay it all out there. It’s important to note that I’m not sure how I’ve managed to attract three guys who have all had foot fetishes, but I’m currently blaming it on having a 9 ½ to sometimes 10 shoe size.

Also, I think I have some fabulous looking feet (hence why I Instagram them all the time…which might also explain how I got in this situation in the first place).

Not every guy is the same when it comes to their fascination with feet. Some men care about the shoes that are on your feet and others care more about what color is on your toes.

Honestly, it really just depends on the guy.

You’ll Probably Learn Firsthand About Footjobs

What is a footjob?

You know, it’s that thing you do to make your partner feel good. For those of you who don’t know what a footjob is, or fear that a bunch of porn might start popping up on your computer, I’ve provided Wikipedia’s wonderful definition (minus the lovely graphic images).

Footjob: is a (non-penetrative) sexual practice with feet that involves one’s feet being rubbed on a partner in order to induce sexual excitement, stimulation or orgasm.

Basically, you’re putting your feet down there and hoping that he gets off.

From my experience, it’s honestly not as bad as it sounds, and if you care about the person you are with, it really shouldn’t be that big of a deal after you get the hang of it. But yes I agree, it’s not exactly a normal thing to do with your partner.

He Might Like To Do Other Things With Your Feet

Everyone has that certain thing they like to do in bed or something they like to receive from their partner during intercourse.

One guy I dated really liked to kiss my feet while we were having sex, and for the most part, when he started kissing my feet I knew he was going to get off.

Did I really enjoy it when he kissed my feet? No, but it made him feel good, so whatever…

When this other guy I dated wanted to get in the mood, he would give me a foot massage. He used fancy lotions, took his time rubbing my feet and overall did a pretty solid job. I can honestly say there are worse things in the world than getting a foot massage a couple of times a week.

The only downside to all the “free” massages is that immediately after your partner is finished rubbing your feet, he will more than likely want to immediately engage in other activities, and if you’re not there yet in the relationship or aren’t really feeling like it, prepare to be a tease.

He’ll Probably Notice The Shoes You’re Wearing

If a guy notices your shoes right away, there’s a good chance he’s into feet. Whether you’re wearing new shoes or your old scuffed up boots, someone with a foot fetish will notice it and more than likely say something about what’s on your feet.

If you end up dating someone with a foot fetish, he’ll more than likely be willing to go shoe shopping with you so he can watch you try on a bunch of different shoes or he’ll buy you shoes for holidays or special anniversaries.

And He’ll Notice Some Other Things

It’s not only shoes and feet that turn some guys on; it can also be socks, nail color, and tights.

OH BOY, THE TIGHTS.

Some guys will absolutely lose it if you own any sort of fishnet anything and others will hate to see you walking around the house with socks on because they want to see your bare feet.

If you happen to change your toenail polish from pink to red, I can almost guarantee you that hours later a guy with a serious fetish for feet will be able to smell the new damn polish on your toes and insist to see your newly painted toenails.

Seriously, some guys are all about red toenail polish and some (crazy ones) will be more than happy to paint your toes for you. (Excuse me while I vomit for the second time.)

I’ve actually had a guy tell me that he found it unattractive when my toenail polish was chipping off and my feet weren’t up to “his” standards.

In any relationship, it’s important to understand your partner’s sexual needs. I used to think that having a foot fetish was an ultimate deal breaker, but somehow it continues to be a really annoying theme in my dating life.

Don’t be afraid to walk away from the free foot massages and shoes if you don’t think it is something you can handle. Seriously, I won’t blame you.