I Have No Shame Calling Out My Exes

I have received “hate messages” from past (dare I say) lovers.

A few of my exes absolutely hate this blog. They might not agree with some of the things I’ve written, but I didn’t exactly agree with the way some of them treated me. I guess you can’t always get what you want, right? Instead of writing about safe topics that my exes don’t find offensive, I’m going to lay it all out there and let you know why it didn’t (and won’t ever) work out between us.

Hot Bod No Brain

He is your typical meat head with no substance whatsoever.

He might be the best accessory to an outfit, but behind his rocking body is a head full of hot air. If you find yourself prying into his sensitive side, good luck! While he will elaborate on his drunken nights out, in terms of his long-term goals and aspirations, you might as well be asking him to look into a crystal ball.

Let’s not forget about his body! He’s got to keep it maintained at all times. Instead of grabbing cheese fries and a slice of pizza on the weekends, he ridicules you for ruining his progress. I get it, dude, I work out too, but sometimes you need a cheat day.

Perfect on Paper

This is the guy who almost has it all.

He’s got a great job, has incredible long-term goals, and you share similar interests with him. Let’s not forget about his good looks! So what’s the problem? Compatibility.

He can maintain a conversation and hold your interest, but there’s no spark. After getting to know him pretty well, it’s easy to think that there’s something wrong with you. Don’t you dare start to believe it! It’s just as important to have a relationship filled with passion and love, as it is to have a partner that looks great on paper.

SugarDaddy.com

Well this one was a big mistake to say the least.

He might be ten years older, but you’re willing to overlook that because his wrinkles haven’t started forming, and he’s got money to blow (on fancy dinners and expensive things). Realistically, you know this isn’t going to end well. Why would someone want to be with a broke twenty-something just for the heck of it? One word: EGO. This sugar daddy’s ego is so huge, he can’t fit his head through the door. Since he has tons of money and is (reasonably) still attractive, he thinks you’re the girl that’s going to wait on him hand and foot. No thanks, find another girl who wants you only for your money.

Brick Wall

This poor guy has to be one of my favorites.

Mutual friends insisted you date because you share similar interests, but when it’s time to talk about those compatible things, he can’t help but clam up. His favorite phrases include “that’s cool,” “yeah me too,” and “mhmm.” Halfway through any conversation with him, you start to wonder if you’re talking to a real person or a robot. You also start to ask yourself, “would talking to a brick wall be more entertaining than this?”

Congrats to you and your new girl Mr. Brick Wall! I don’t know how she hasn’t gone insane after having tons of conversations with herself.

Rebound

You use me and I use you.

The purpose of this relationship is pretty cut and dry. Anytime both of you are single, it is grounds for a liking spree on Instagram and a slide into the DM (and later into bed). You’re fully aware this relationship is bad, but for some reason, you think it might work out down the road. How cute!

Remember, it always ends when one person starts developing more feelings for the other.

Summer Fling Fail

I’m not sure why I thought this would turn into something at all.

This guy pursues you during those hot summer months because he’s bored and wants something to do (literally). Although he says he wants a serious relationship, he has a really hard time keeping his hands to himself and respecting the boundaries you’ve laid out. While things get heated during weekend beach trips, you can tell everything he has said about commitment is just an act to get in your pants.

The sooner you end it, the better.

Too Fast Too Soon

I feel really bad for this guy.

After three dates he thinks he’s in love with you. When he says, “I love that about you,” you can’t help but cringe. He’s already given you pet names and calling you babe. Please stop, it’s seriously too much!

And did I mention it was only three dates!?!

You can tell he’s never been with an attractive woman before, so he freaks out and makes these grand gestures for no reason.

It’s noted, you have some serious feelings!

Take two steps back and remember that you’re talking to a strong independent woman who enjoys her alone time and her freedom. Let her breathe a little bit, and maybe she wouldn’t feel so suffocated in this extremely new relationship.

Again, it was only THREE dates!

Stage 5

Oh god. Please leave me alone…like forever.

Literally, nothing you say or do can keep this guy away. You could be like, “sorry I can’t meet up, I just found out I have herpes,” and he’d be like, “that’s cool, I’ve always wanted herpes! So what time are we meeting up?” It’s disgusting how many texts he sends you in a day. You’re actually considering shutting off your phone and getting a new number for some peace and quiet.

Do Nothing

The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars was inspired by his entire life.

Plan a good date night with him? He doesn’t want to go. Get all dressed up to see him? He cancels because it takes too much effort for him to get out of bed and take his hands out of his pants. He could have the real thing, but he doesn’t want to put any effort into the relationship HE WANTED. He might have tempted you in the beginning with all of his adventures and his charming personality, but in reality, he doesn’t feel like doing anything, nothing at all (ever).

Better Than You

We get it, you’re smart and have a great future ahead of you. You can stop bragging about it now!

Get a 4.0 GPA, he manages to get a 4.1. Travel to a foreign country? He’s been there five times! He’s so comfortable in the relationship, that he lets his ego take hold of every conversation, and makes you feel like crap. You were confident about yourself and your looks, but now you feel as though you are second-rate. Get out while you still can! You need someone who celebrates your successes, not undermines them. He’ll realize one day he made a huge mistake.

The Traveler

He never has time for you, thanks to his job.

As he travels across the country with his buddies, you’re sitting by the phone waiting to hear from him. He claims his job demands all of his time, but based off of what he’s posting online, it’s obvious that he has time for everyone else besides you.

This guy doesn’t care about your feelings or the amount of time and effort it takes to make the relationship work. So why did he bother committing to you in the first place? To waste your damn time. Find someone who puts in the effort and actually cares about you.

I’ll be the first to admit…

I suck at relationships and I’m not perfect. I know what I want, and thanks to these guys, I know what I don’t want. 5 out of 11 are in new relationships now, and a few are planning their weddings! It just goes to show, one girl’s trashy relationship is another girl’s diamond ring.

It Does NOT Go Down In My DM

Thanks to some rapper named Yo Gotti,

all the players out there think it is okay to hit up a woman via direct message on any social media platform.

Newsflash famous rapper:

you’re currently getting all those boys’ hopes up. Not now, nor will it ever go down in my DM. I have a phone that accepts phone calls and texts from thirsty boys just fine, and even that is getting out of hand (not really, but let’s just pretend).

Here are some real messages I have received from people hoping it would go down:

1. Snapchat

“I saw your story, looks like you’re having a lot of fun at [insert activity or place here].”

I did have a ton of fun, glad you weren’t there.

“Thanks for inviting me to [activity]. Too bad I had to watch it all on your Snapchat story.”

Keep watching big boy. I’m not going to be inviting you anywhere, anytime soon.

“I hope you’re doing well. I saw you went to [place] the other day.”

Wow you’re super observant!

2. Facebook

“Hey, I know it has been a while. Do you remember me from high school?”

Oh yeah I remember you! Aren’t you the guy who made fun of me for being a nerd back in the day? I think I’ll unfriend you now.

“Hi cutie.”

Why are you messaging me? JUST WHY!?!

“Miss you, hope you’re doing well.”

I don’t miss you. I’m still wondering why you haven’t fallen off a cliff.

“You look really hot in your profile picture. Just thought you should know.

Liking the photo would have been great.

3. Instagram:

“I like a lot of your photos on IG, but I’d like to get to LIKE you in person.”

Just because you double-tapped my photos doesn’t mean you get to tap this IRL!

“Hey.”

That’s it? Your creativity is severely lacking for my own personal taste.

down in dm

 

 

 

 

 

 

Long story short: please don’t hit me up in the DM, it will never go down the way you would like it to. Although a few of these messages did lead to an impromptu dinner, nothing ever went down after. A simple text saying “hey” will always warrant a better response.

Thoughts Girls Have When a Guy Seems Too Perfect

Had your fair share of first dates?

Most of these were probably borderline terrible with a side of, at least I’m not picking up the tab right!?! On the rare occasion you meet someone who isn’t psychotic or entirely a douche, a few thoughts come to mind.

  1. He’s totally gay

He’s well dressed. He knows what to say. He might have a slight obsession with the current season of the Bachelorette.

For the most part, we would hope a guy shows up to a first date well dressed and not in his old fraternity shirt, but sometimes that’s asking way too much!  He probably knows what to say, because he’s been on a million first dates. What’s up with his slight obsession with the Bachelorette though? It might be a little strange, but maybe he’s just a fan of Chad and can relate to eating meat and being honest with his feelings.

2. I’m sure he’s like this with every girl

The smile and charm are all an act right?

Does the line “you’re really different” ring a bell? If yes, then you’re probably not the first girl he’s said that to. If no, then maybe you really are truly different (whatever that means). Sometimes Mr. Cool knows exactly what to say because he’s had lots and lots of practice perfecting the art of smooth talking a lady.

3. He’s only acting like this so he can get in my pants

Does he really have to be so touchy-feely?

The arm around the shoulder, the hand on the leg are all signs that he’s into me right? Eh, probably wrong. He’s just making sure you feel comfortable enough at the restaurant so you can feel right at home in his apartment later.

4. He must be really desperate

You don’t have to agree and laugh at everything I say.

You might be a part-time comedian, but that’s not grounds for laughing at every little thing said or done (you’re funny, just not that funny). Sometimes women prefer to have a man who challenges them. By agreeing with everything that might actually become a turn-off. Guys, it’s great that you think we’re awesome, but add to our awesomeness.

5. This guy can’t really be single

He’s beauty and he’s grace, he’s staring me in the face.

He’s got a personality that shines like no other and a face you can actually stand to look at other than your own…SCORE! Exactly why is he still on the market? Thank God I swiped right for this one.

6. Oh wait, he’s actually a nice guy 

SURPRISE!

Did we mention we’re amazing at over-analyzing people so we don’t get hurt by some loser?

 

I Gave Up Makeup For A Week

The tragic story of how I looked busted for a week.

(Which is actually nothing new to anyone.)

A little back story on my skin troubles: I spent most of my high school and college days worrying and obsessing over why my skin wasn’t as clear as others. As you can imagine, my skin was my biggest insecurity. Not only was my skin super oily, but it was covered in acne all over my body. And yes, I literally tried anything and everything to get rid of my embarrassing blemishes: Proactive, Clearasil, detox diets, Neutrogena anything, pills, doctor prescribed medicine, lemon juice, apple cider vinegar…literally ANYTHING. I remember it being so bad that I begged my parents for Accutane…and they said no.

I became a pro at applying makeup to hide my imperfections. I wore tons of makeup, which in hindsight, was terrible for my skin. If I wore a blue outfit, I rocked blue smoky eye shadow with loads of foundation and blush to hide the little pimples on my cheeks. I went through makeup like it was nobody’s business (no matter how tacky it looked). My routine was applying makeup, and then applying more throughout the day to cover up the stress from the day.

Now: It wasn’t until about 5 years later when a coworker came up to me and said, “your skin is perfect,” that I finally felt like I could wear less makeup. And now I do! All of the worrying and stressing over how ugly I felt finally vanished, and people were noticing my skin in a good way (without loads of makeup). At 24, I’d like to believe I’ve perfected the art of the “no makeup” makeup look. NOW my routine is wrinkle cream at night (because I’m a grandma) instead of acne cream, and in the morning I apply foundation and mascara. Instead of taking 20 minutes to put my face on, now I barely spend 2 minutes! This is partially because I’m lazy AF.

I decided to take lazy to a whole new level and nix makeup for a week to see what happens to my skin.

Saturday
Saturday
Sunday
Sunday

Saturday: So I started this thing off on a bad day…competition day. My logic was, if I didn’t wear makeup around a group of people and no one noticed, then it was a good day. Let’s just say it was a bad day…a really bad day. Literally within the first 20 minutes of my morning, people started saying how tired I looked. Crap! I immediately reached for my mascara and hoped for the best (I brought it just in case I decided to wimp out). Did I wear makeup during the first day of the challenge? Yes. Did I care? See shirt for answer. Even with the little bit of mascara I applied, I already knew this week was going to be a struggle. My face was forever oily on Saturday and I knew this was going to test my will power. 

Sunday: Pretty easy day. I didn’t do much and I didn’t plan on doing much to begin with. I spent the entire day reading, hanging out in my pajamas, and sleeping. I didn’t need to put on makeup (or take this terrible selfie which I look tired in). My face was a little oily midday, but nothing a face wash couldn’t solve since I was at home. I also decided to start applying more wrinkle cream just to see if there was any noticeable difference at the end of the week. Overall I could tell that my skin was looking a lot clearer than when I started.

Monday
Monday
Tuesday
Tuesday

Monday: #NoMakeupMonday! I dreaded going to work without makeup because I knew people were going to judge me from the second I walked in the door…and I wasn’t wrong. On top of not giving a crap about wearing makeup, I also decided to not care about my hair either! The combination made me look like a bigger hot mess. Overall my coworkers thought I was sick, tired, and borderline dying. This definitely made me reconsider not wearing makeup the rest of the week, but then again IDGAF. My face got oily pretty early on in the day, and I made sure not to pack any products as temptation. Instead I blotted my face with a tissue and prayed for the day to be over quickly.

Tuesday: By day 3 my skin was becoming noticeably smoother thanks to my new moisturizer and wrinkle cream routine! Instead of being insecure about acne, it soon became the dark circles under my eyes that I was concerned about. I normally apply liquid foundation to offset this problem. Instead, I started using Pond’s Dark Spot Corrector. Too bad it didn’t solve the problem immediately! Regardless, I could tell my skin loved the break from makeup and it actually started to be less oily than when I started.

Wednesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Thursday

Wednesday: I was super nervous for Wednesday because I had a date after work. Since it was cold outside, my face was screaming for more moisturizer. I was surprised it had gotten so dry when the day before (when it was only a couple of degrees warmer) my skin felt great! I managed through my long day with no makeup and my date didn’t even care. Overall I was feeling more and more confident in my natural beauty.

Thursday: This was probably the best day of the week! My skin was use to the wrinkle cream, dark spot corrector, and moisturizer. I was also loving not taking time in the morning to put on makeup. I was feeling so confident that I decided to not do a thing to my hair too! BOOM!

Friday
Friday

Friday: Okay, I was over it. Despite the great things that were happening to my skin, I was dying to put on makeup again. My skin was clearer and my dark spots were less noticeable, but just knowing I couldn’t put on a little bit of mascara made me yearn for Saturday.

Overall I thought this experiment was great! My skin cleared up and started to get less oily, while my dark circles became less noticeable. At the end of the day, I barely noticed a difference in my appearance without makeup. I strongly recommend taking the challenge and seeing how your skin (and others) reacts! Who knows, I might try it again sometime soon.

3 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day Isn’t So Bad If You’re Single

I have a love-hate relationship with this time of year.

I love the fact that I can eat as much chocolate as I want while not feeling judged, and I hate the fact that chocolate still contains calories. Alas, that’s the world we live in.

Seriously though, from the engagement ring advertisements, to the jumbo teddy bears in all of the convenient stores, it’s easy to feel like the world is pointing and saying, “LOOK, THIS PERSON IS SINGLE AF.”

 As I’ve grown up, I’ve learned to embrace the times when I’m in a relationship and the times when I’m most definitely not.  This year (and probably the next few years) I’m proud to say I’m single. Trust me; I’m not going to be hiding at home, delving into all of the things I can hate about being alone, and that’s mostly because I’m not alone! I have wonderful friends and an amazing family that continue to love and support me. So don’t hide at home on the glorious day filled with love because you think Valentine’s Day is only for people in romantic relationships. Enjoy the love you have with your family, friends, and most importantly chocolate!

Cat

(But we know this is how I will really be spending Valentine’s Day.)

If you can’t do that…well here are a few reasons why February 14th won’t really be that bad. 

1. You won’t be stressing over dinner reservations or plans in general.

Here’s what most people think: Valentine’s Day = big romantic gesture. For the average person this probably means dinner at a fancy restaurant. Jokes on you! Remember that literally every other Average Joe wants to impress his little lady at the Cheesecake Factory! So I say good luck to all those people trying to get a 7:00 pm dinner reservation. We all know that boutique restaurant is always overbooked or has an hour wait. So yeah, I’m going to pass on all that and order pizza. Maybe this year I can ask them to bring wine instead of a 2 liter soda? Heck who am I kidding, I want both.

2. It’s the best excuse to buy chocolate with no guilt.

It should come to no surprise that chocolate is bae. Any other day when someone asks, “Why are you buying so much candy?”…there really isn’t a good answer. On February 14th, there isn’t a bad one! If I had to pick, I would say me, myself, and I is probably the best answer to that judgmental question. Honestly, the only bad thing that can come out of eating all this chocolate is weight gain…and with chocolate that tastes this good, is that even a bad thing right now? Forget what society thinks, forget what your nutritionist says, the cheat day is real today! The best part is, while you’re eating that chocolate and cheating on your diet, you don’t have to worry about if anyone is cheating on you.

3. Valentine’s Day gives you time to appreciate everyone who’s not a loser boy/girl in your life.

Whether you haven’t had the time to call Dad back yet, or it’s been awhile since you’ve had quality time with your siblings, use today as a day to show your love to the people who love you most. You might not be buying a Valentine’s Day card for that someone special, but who’s to say Mom or Dad didn’t want a card? And ladies, don’t forget to take the time to appreciate the other “special” men in your life that will always be there for you. Jack, Jim, Johnnie, and Jameson ring a bell? Maybe you should throw a party and invite them this year!

Valentine's Day

No matter how you celebrate February 14th, remember that it’s just another day! 

(to get wasted)