I have received “hate messages” from past (dare I say) lovers.
A few of my exes absolutely hate this blog. They might not agree with some of the things I’ve written, but I didn’t exactly agree with the way some of them treated me. I guess you can’t always get what you want, right? Instead of writing about safe topics that my exes don’t find offensive, I’m going to lay it all out there and let you know why it didn’t (and won’t ever) work out between us.
Hot Bod No Brain
He is your typical meat head with no substance whatsoever.
He might be the best accessory to an outfit, but behind his rocking body is a head full of hot air. If you find yourself prying into his sensitive side, good luck! While he will elaborate on his drunken nights out, in terms of his long-term goals and aspirations, you might as well be asking him to look into a crystal ball.
Let’s not forget about his body! He’s got to keep it maintained at all times. Instead of grabbing cheese fries and a slice of pizza on the weekends, he ridicules you for ruining his progress. I get it, dude, I work out too, but sometimes you need a cheat day.
Perfect on Paper
This is the guy who almost has it all.
He’s got a great job, has incredible long-term goals, and you share similar interests with him. Let’s not forget about his good looks! So what’s the problem? Compatibility.
He can maintain a conversation and hold your interest, but there’s no spark. After getting to know him pretty well, it’s easy to think that there’s something wrong with you. Don’t you dare start to believe it! It’s just as important to have a relationship filled with passion and love, as it is to have a partner that looks great on paper.
Well this one was a big mistake to say the least.
He might be ten years older, but you’re willing to overlook that because his wrinkles haven’t started forming, and he’s got money to blow (on fancy dinners and expensive things). Realistically, you know this isn’t going to end well. Why would someone want to be with a broke twenty-something just for the heck of it? One word: EGO. This sugar daddy’s ego is so huge, he can’t fit his head through the door. Since he has tons of money and is (reasonably) still attractive, he thinks you’re the girl that’s going to wait on him hand and foot. No thanks, find another girl who wants you only for your money.
This poor guy has to be one of my favorites.
Mutual friends insisted you date because you share similar interests, but when it’s time to talk about those compatible things, he can’t help but clam up. His favorite phrases include “that’s cool,” “yeah me too,” and “mhmm.” Halfway through any conversation with him, you start to wonder if you’re talking to a real person or a robot. You also start to ask yourself, “would talking to a brick wall be more entertaining than this?”
Congrats to you and your new girl Mr. Brick Wall! I don’t know how she hasn’t gone insane after having tons of conversations with herself.
You use me and I use you.
The purpose of this relationship is pretty cut and dry. Anytime both of you are single, it is grounds for a liking spree on Instagram and a slide into the DM (and later into bed). You’re fully aware this relationship is bad, but for some reason, you think it might work out down the road. How cute!
Remember, it always ends when one person starts developing more feelings for the other.
Summer Fling Fail
I’m not sure why I thought this would turn into something at all.
This guy pursues you during those hot summer months because he’s bored and wants something to do (literally). Although he says he wants a serious relationship, he has a really hard time keeping his hands to himself and respecting the boundaries you’ve laid out. While things get heated during weekend beach trips, you can tell everything he has said about commitment is just an act to get in your pants.
The sooner you end it, the better.
Too Fast Too Soon
I feel really bad for this guy.
After three dates he thinks he’s in love with you. When he says, “I love that about you,” you can’t help but cringe. He’s already given you pet names and calling you babe. Please stop, it’s seriously too much!
And did I mention it was only three dates!?!
You can tell he’s never been with an attractive woman before, so he freaks out and makes these grand gestures for no reason.
It’s noted, you have some serious feelings!
Take two steps back and remember that you’re talking to a strong independent woman who enjoys her alone time and her freedom. Let her breathe a little bit, and maybe she wouldn’t feel so suffocated in this extremely new relationship.
Again, it was only THREE dates!
Oh god. Please leave me alone…like forever.
Literally, nothing you say or do can keep this guy away. You could be like, “sorry I can’t meet up, I just found out I have herpes,” and he’d be like, “that’s cool, I’ve always wanted herpes! So what time are we meeting up?” It’s disgusting how many texts he sends you in a day. You’re actually considering shutting off your phone and getting a new number for some peace and quiet.
The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars was inspired by his entire life.
Plan a good date night with him? He doesn’t want to go. Get all dressed up to see him? He cancels because it takes too much effort for him to get out of bed and take his hands out of his pants. He could have the real thing, but he doesn’t want to put any effort into the relationship HE WANTED. He might have tempted you in the beginning with all of his adventures and his charming personality, but in reality, he doesn’t feel like doing anything, nothing at all (ever).
Better Than You
We get it, you’re smart and have a great future ahead of you. You can stop bragging about it now!
Get a 4.0 GPA, he manages to get a 4.1. Travel to a foreign country? He’s been there five times! He’s so comfortable in the relationship, that he lets his ego take hold of every conversation, and makes you feel like crap. You were confident about yourself and your looks, but now you feel as though you are second-rate. Get out while you still can! You need someone who celebrates your successes, not undermines them. He’ll realize one day he made a huge mistake.
He never has time for you, thanks to his job.
As he travels across the country with his buddies, you’re sitting by the phone waiting to hear from him. He claims his job demands all of his time, but based off of what he’s posting online, it’s obvious that he has time for everyone else besides you.
This guy doesn’t care about your feelings or the amount of time and effort it takes to make the relationship work. So why did he bother committing to you in the first place? To waste your damn time. Find someone who puts in the effort and actually cares about you.
I’ll be the first to admit…
I suck at relationships and I’m not perfect. I know what I want, and thanks to these guys, I know what I don’t want. 5 out of 11 are in new relationships now, and a few are planning their weddings! It just goes to show, one girl’s trashy relationship is another girl’s diamond ring.